Why is it, that we can’t keep the peace on what is supposed to be one of the greatest days of the year? A study found that 30% of British families say that it takes less than 12 hours for an argument to occur on Christmas day. For 22% of people, these arguments are likely to happen first thing on Christmas morning.
What is it about families, Xmas and rows?
Family relations are unique and exist unconditional. Regardless of the quality! You can only have one mum, one youngest sister, one godfather, etc. and that never changes and can never be replaced. Even when people fall out, it is usually for a limited time. The uniqueness of the relationship makes it very hard to stop contact. Regardless how much you dislike or hate each other; it is like the cords you can’t cut.
With the unconditional aspect and the exclusiveness comes the sense of feeling safe and secure, a lovely idea. However, the negative side is that it could invite disrespectful
behaviour. Children who feel safe in their family can behave appalling. Were they feeling insecure about the love and acceptance, they would be much more careful…. In a way it is a compliment for parents to have misbehaving children.
Inappropriate behaviour is another common source of irritation and arguments; like the 60 old dad reprimanding his 40 year old son. When they were 25 years younger that would have been okay, but it is not the respectful communication between adults….
TIPS
With these givens, what can you do to avoid a heated discussion being escalated into a tough and rough row?
- FORBIDDEN TOPICS It is important to think through what the topics are that have been triggers for arguments in the past. Make a list of those and discuss with your partner or other adults if they recognise those, and maybe want to add some. Then decide that these topics are ‘forbidden’. Find allies that agree with you, and make sure those subject are not being brought up. And if they are, move away from them by using ‘distractors’ and working together with your allies.
- DISTRACTORS Think of ‘distractors’. If danger dooms, use a distractor: a side-line that needs immediate attention. I personally use the weather, when I am on the phone with my mother. When she starts going on about how I raise my children (yeah, funny one that one), I usually start about the weather: ‘Ohhhh, you wouldn’t believe it, all of a sudden there is hail falling, wow, I need to get the chairs in….’ Always works with her. Because she then needs to report that the weather is much nicer where she is (very competitive relationship).You can think of asking advice about the soft furnishing, or a recipe, or mention the football, unless that has been defined a forbidden topic!
- BE ANGELIC When with the family, behave like an angel! Use positive language, keep smiling (if you can’t do it with your heart, just do it with your mouth), agree or use the word ‘interesting’, but don’t let yourself being dragged into a pro- and contra- conversation.
It is a real challenge to develop new behaviour and you can’t expect yourself to be skilled at once. If it doesn’t go as smoothly as you wanted, if you don’t want to put the effort of angelic behaviour anymore, because it is tiring, just pour yourself another glass, sit down, smile and say ‘interesting’! And read how you can create 30 minutes of quality me-time in my new FREE e-book, click here
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