Why your relationships don’t work – tips from the coaching couch
Great relationships start with the relationship with yourself
Theo didn’t get it. Every time he fell for a woman, it seemed to be a mutual and exciting event. He bought her flowers, dinners, champagne and showered her with text messages, little surprises and a ‘sleep well’ call at the end of the day. He loved all that and the woman in his life seemed to like it as well. Up till the point of no return. Earlier or later, she gave him the message to change his behaviour and to be less intense, Even though he didn’t really get it, he did change. But it never resulted in a lasting relationship. And Theo wanted to discover what was going on.
What was going on?
Theo was a giving man. He believed that it was better to give than to receive. Giving made him a better person and as a reward, he would receive the love he deserved. But his expectation for a reward coloured his actions of love and he wasn’t unconditional. The energy of his neediness seeped through the kindness of his actions. And every action became a stronger cry for his needs.
After some talking, Theo realised that he actually believed he wasn’t worthy of someone’s love. He needed to earn it. Just being himself wouldn’t be good enough. And that made him go over the top.
How could he expect someone else to love him if not even he, himself, believed he was worthy of love?
His suffocating attempts to find proof of his worthiness killed off any natural seed of love. And left him more insecure than ever before.
|Love yourself first, then you have plenty to share
1. Know yourself
We worked through a process where Theo discovered himself and became more self-aware. There were quite a few surprises….
2. Understand and appreciate
He used to be harsh on himself, but as he understood his behaviour and choices he mellowed. And he made changes.
3. Love and respect
He began to develop a kind and loving relationship with himself and wasn’t a doormat anymore. He treated himself with respect and didn’t allow anyone to treat him as a doormat.
|It wasn’t an overnight little job, but within a few months, Theo had changed. The neediness that masked the fear of rejection dissipated and was replaced by feeling grounded within himself. As Dr Wayne Dyer claimed: fear and love are mutually exclusive and Theo would never have been able to be in a healthy relationship until his fear was replaced by self-love.
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