Narcissistic Drama Queens What Who Why And How To Deal With Them

Most people know one, or even more than one…..

And most narcissists are a drama queen…..

But not every drama queen is a narcissist…..

A Drama Queen (DQ) is defined as a person who frequently engages in or creates dramatic situations. DQs show exaggerated reactions to minor incidents, in the highs and the lows. Unfortunately, the highs are usually quickly caught up by a low, and a DQ seems to dwell much longer in the lows. Generally speaking, thriving on drama leads to instability, anxiety and dissatisfaction.

As with any ‘choice’ of behaviour or reaction, subconsciously they get something out of it.

Attention And External Validation

Let’s consider DQ Angie. She is quite insecure and doesn’t believe she is an interesting person. In order to get attention, she loves sharing stories about her life. Sometimes funny, sometimes scary, but always dramatic. She has the ability to turn missing the bus into a daylong experience. It did get her the instant attention she craved, but it didn’t help her establishing friendships.

Emotional Roller Coasters Are Considered A Sign Of Love

Highly intense emotions could feed the fantasy of love. DQ Albert was almost constantly in a fight with his girlfriend. Whenever she mentioned something he could translate as a criticism towards him, his reaction went through the roof. ‘How can you talk about me like that? That is not a sign of love’, before he went off to work in a huff. Mulling the whole day about the morning event and then coming home, having a follow-up heated argument before they ended in bed, making up again. For DQ Albert, a relationship without these ups and downs didn’t represent strong loving feelings.

Embracing The Victim Attitude

A DQ often feels the victim of external circumstances or other people’s actions. It is never them….. They are good at blaming, avoiding responsibility and desperately seeking sympathy. Like DQ Elenor, who worked in a corporate environment, but always got bypassed for any type of promotion. She felt it an injustice that she never got the chance to give a presentation to a group of clients, and create a stronger profile. She forgot to mention that she had never told her manager that she wanted to do that, but she blamed him for favouring others. And then she blamed clients never asking for her. And she blamed colleagues for proposing new ideas and never, ever asking her about her ideas. Everybody at work tried to push her down.

Avoidance Strategy

When DQ Robert had to deal with the probate of his parents after their sudden death, he couldn’t believe how challenging the process was. Every day he had an awful experience with either a bank, HMRC, the probate office, family members or the pension portfolio. Every day he told stories to his wife about how horrific his existence was. And his daily dramas kept him away from feeling the pain of the loss and helped him keeping his emotions under control.

Never Solution Focussed

While the drama unfolds, the DQ is adamant there is nothing they can do. Like DQ Leah, who knows ‘I am not strong enough’ and ‘I could never do that’ and ‘It’s not fair that I am the way I am’ and ‘This is just me’. Giving herself permission to stay in the role of DQ, even though it doesn’t bring her grounding, focus and a solid way of being.

Seeking And Creating Drama

Lots of DQs create their own drama through the decisions they make. DQ Jane is suffering from hayfever but insisted on moving to the country. Guess what, now she has to move again as her hayfever is unsufferable. DQ Eli wants to work less, but has taken on a job with a 3 hour a day commute and is now moaning about the incredible demands of her job. DQ Mary wanted to rent out her house instead of selling and choose not to use an agent, wishing to find the renters herself and avoiding the agency fees. Unlucky for her, her renters refused to pay, and she had to go to court. It took her two years to get them out of her house. But it made for ongoing dramatic stories…..

Typical DQ Behaviours:

• Language is in absolutes: never, ever, nobody, everybody, always……
• Exaggeration and catastrophising: the worst day ever, my career/relationship/friendship is over, this will hunt me for the rest of my life
• Passive aggressive communication, manipulating the sympathetic response they are looking for
• Dwelling in the drama instead of looking for a solution
• Blaming others/circumstances, never taking responsibility
• ‘Poor me’ attitude, the ultimate victim
• The world revolves around them
• How to deal with Drama Queens?

DQs are looking to get you on board, collude with their misfortune, feel sorry for them and maybe even rescue them. However, you will always disappoint them. Because the moment will arrive when you are done with the exaggeration, the passive attitude towards a solution and the repetition of situations.

When you recognise the drama, be kind, offer support to look for a solution (which most of the times won’t be accepted) and then step away. You might even notice that your DQ is the one who steps away as you don’t give them what they want.

Know that everyone can and should be a DQ occasionally. But that DQ attitude will dissipate when logic kicks in an you are looking to move forward.

Narcissistic Drama Queens

Looking at the above, it does make sense that most narcissists are DQs. The attention, the victimisation, self-centredness and manipulation all fit their personality. As they are lacking emotional substance, they create their essence around the attention that comes with the drama. And they need that attention, called Narcissistic Supply, so it will never change.

If you think you are a DQ, or are struggling dealing with one, book a call to find out how you can start making changes.