Sometimes a good old row is just what a relationship needs. It clears the air, gets all the unspoken frustration out and when done properly ends up with an even closer connection then before. But sometimes, it goes pear-shaped. Having an argument requires skill.
Who recognises one of the unhelpful responses below?
Running – running away from the person you had an argument with. Talking to a friend, hanging out in the pub, anything but being with your other half. Makes you feel restless
Hiding – retreating in your shell and pretending you are not there, tiptoeing in the house and being as quiet as a mouse. Makes you feel scared
Waiting – just keeping quiet and being alert and anxious about the next argument to happen or maybe the next good thing. You are not taking any action.Makes you feel stressed
Ignoring – acting as if nothing has happened and being in total denial. If I ignore this, it has not happened. Makes you feel nervous
Pretending – pretend it wasn’t important or serious but knowing that actually you are not truthful to yourself. Makes you feel tense
Shouting – it can feel really good to shout back, but often it makes the situation worse. Makes you feel aggressive
Collapsing – you crumble, are in tears, totally upset, can’t think or talk, just want to be cuddled and held and being told that all is okayMakes you feel powerless
If these responses are not helpful to solve an argument, what is helpful?
Follow the 5 steps below to make your row a positive experience
1. Always face an argument. If you don’t it might fester and grow and turn into a big resentment or anger, over time.
2. When talking about it, detach from your emotions. If you can’t in that moment, it might be better to postpone the argument till later, when emotions have calmed down
3. Being detached, observe what has happened and what has caused the argument. ‘I noticed that I did X and you responded like Y, which then escalated. Let’s go back to X and Y.’
4. Discuss X and Y and what was the emotional impact. Why did it cause such a strong reaction? Both parties need to have their say and being listened to WITHOUT JUDGMENT.
5. Express an understanding for each other, discuss what you can do differently next time and kiss ir all out of the way.
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If you seem to have the same argument over and over and can’t apply the 5 steps, why not book a FREE CALL with me to find out what else you can do?