Expectations at christmas
Just back from a spinning class; 45 minutes of cycling in an obscure dark cellar full of bikes, loud music and a shouting instructor. What is nice about it is that I don’t have to think, I just do as I am told and at the end I am covered in sweat, with burning muscles and a great sense of satisfaction.
Being told what to do can be really helpful. Being told what to do on a practical level (sports instruction, coaching exercises, cooking class) serves a purpose. Also, as you can’t know everything yourself, so having access to the knowledge and experience of an expert is usually very helpful.
But tell me what to do on how to live my life is not helpful and if you allow other people to tell you what to do, it shows that you don’t take control of your life, which often leads to low self-esteem, lack in confidence and insecurity.
Steve came to see me because he was completely stressed out about Xmas. Work was extremely busy before the break and on Xmas eve he had to pick up his wife and kids to visit his parents, who expected him to spend a week at their home: from 24 December to be released on 1 January. Expectations, such as expensive presents, support with the cooking, taking his parents out for meals (as a sign of appreciation of housing his family for a week) and family visits, plus impeccable behaviour of the kids were getting him down. All he wanted was staying at home and having fun by doing the things he and his close family liked doing, instead of continuously pleasing other people.
He was advised by someone to cope with this situation by doing mindfulness and that is why he came to see me.
Self esteem
But what Steve really needed was being clear about what he wanted and how to find the strength to ensure that those needs were met during his Xmas break, instead of being ‘told’ what to do by his parents, the history in his family and his own internal voice. Steve got stuck in a familiar situation of expectations and felt he was not able to escape the ‘being told what to do’ scenario.
We used mindfulness to help Steve to discover the different forces that were at work and to become recognise emotions (guilt, fear, frustration, anger) that were playing up. We prepared a different Xmas programme, which did include a stay at his parents for a few days, but he was setting the conditions and not accommodating all the others. He also planned a few day-trips with his kids, doing exactly what they loved. This Xmas will be very different for him and his family and I am really looking forward to hear how it has been.
TIPS
If it feels you are not really doing what you want this Xmas, go through this process:
- List the messages
- Become aware of ‘who’s talking’: Your parents? Your fear? Your habits?
- Go through the messages and question them with some and more of the following questions:
- How ‘old’ is this message
- Who benefits from this?
- Who doesn’t?
- Does it make me happy?
- Prepare a clear response to the messages and expectation that you don’t want to accommodate this year and find a non-aggressive tone and content, as you don’t want an argument, you just want to do what you want to do
- Enjoy your own time and your chosen activities
Do you just need less stress, better sleep, more fun through some ME time? Click here to download FREE ebook on how to create 30 minutes of quality ME time each day.
Or do you want to have a FREE coaching session to talk about how you can handle people ‘who tell you what to do’ differently? Click here
