Narcissist values
Values block or encourage real connections. Sharing values is important in interpersonal relationships. I heard several people breaking up friendships over supporting and not supporting Trump. I have people in my life who I love dearly, but I can’t discuss political issues with them because it will lead to a break-up. And I could never have a partner who didn’t value love and respect. Sharing values is a key ingredient for a trusting and intimate relationship.
What are values?
Values are fundamental beliefs that are informing attitudes and actions. They determine what is important to you and which personal qualities you aspire to. The way you interact, treat yourself and others, make choices and live your life. Values are the foundation. They are usually positive and capture beliefs about what is right and wrong, a moral compass and your deeper drivers.
Examples of values are love, respect, trust, loyalty, honesty, integrity, caution, financial security, justice, equality, reliability and family.
Values exist whether you are aware of them or not. Life feels easy when what you do and how you behave is aligned with your values. There is a sense of contentment and satisfaction. But when your values and actions are out of sync, life is challenging.
Subconsciously, you know your values. You might not know the priority, there might be some ‘borderliners’, but in the main, you have an innate knowing and instinctively you will live in line with your values. If your values are violated, you will feel uncomfortable the least and unhappy and guilty the most.
Values of a narcissist block connection
As values are the foundation of your thoughts and actions, it makes sense to remember that a narcissist is like an addict with two desires, informing all their actions. The first one is the need for attention, admiration and confirmation that they are the best, the second one is the urge to hide their fragile egos, to keep themselves safe from being exposed as insecure or less good as they portray.
Narcissistic mother
I grew up with a narcissistic mother and looking back at my experiences I discovered that my mother’s values are mostly negative. Her moral compass was very different from that of ‘normal’ people and when dealing with a narcissist it is helpful to keep in mind that they don’t share the same values as you do.
The following values are typical for someone who suffers from a narcissistic personality disorder:
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Image and appearance
It is of the greatest importance to come across as beautiful, rich, intelligent, well-connected and successful and a narcissist will sacrifice values as financial security, love, honesty to image and appearance. This is what will give them confidence and at the same time it is the way to mask their lack of it. Getting into debt to show off the latest car or designer gadget is common amongst them.
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Disrespect
There is only respect for their own needs and in order to get those met, they disrespect anything else. Other people’s perspective (they are not willing or able to see another perspective), boundaries (their sense of entitlement will push down the boundaries), people (no one is important apart from them). It can be quite shocking to listen to the put-downs and discreditations of other people or notice how they reveal personal information about others.
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Dishonesty
The truth is the truth that serves a purpose in the world of the narcissist. There is no factual truth, there is their vision that will enhance and ensure that their needs are met. They lie, twist, reframe without seeing that as a dishonesty. It is a necessity to keep themselves safe. They have no problem denying a situation, even if it is presented with proof.
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Self-centeredness
The world revolves around them and everyone who happens to be part of that world should go along with it. All events, situations and stories have them as the centerpiece. Their actions are focussed on creating it or even forcing it. The eulogy a narcissist wrote for his mother was, apart from the first few sentences, all about him.
- Disloyalty
People can’t be trusted, people are there to be used and if they don’t fulfil their purpose anymore it is time to find someone else who can replace them. There is no recognition of the worth of shared experiences. It is very common that a narcissistic ex-partner will be involved within weeks with someone new.
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Control
It is extremely important for the narcissist to be in control. In control of themselves as they need to protect their fragile ego, and in control of the people around them who need to give them their supply. And the supply doesn’t need to be given naturally, it can easily be forced. The narcissist doesn’t care how they get it, as long as they get it. One way of control is to estrange people from each other through triangulation.
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Self-importance
The only thing is the only person that counts. The whole life and that of others is organised, controlled and bullied around the importance of the narcissist. The lack of empathy, let alone compassion, makes it impossible for them to connect to the emotions and upset of others and makes it easier to focus on the self and making sure that their needs are met. It is very normal narcissistic behaviour to create a scene at a party, just to get the focus onto them.
When dealing with a narcissist, it is important to know (not understand!) where they are coming from. They think, feel and behave very differently from other people and unfortunately can be very damaging. Protecting yourself through knowledge is a good first step. If you recognise that someone seems to embrace values like mentioned above, be aware and be careful.
Mariette,
I just found you on the net a few days ago. What really came through are your posts on Narcissism and specifically those about your upbringing and dealing for so long with a narcissistic mother.
They are so validating to me. My N-mother died end 2003 (long time ago..) but the fall-out afterwards has been very hard on me. And still is in some ways.
End 2004 I learned about Narcissism the first time (by Kathy Krajco on the net, God bless her soul).
Eversince my consiousness grew little by little and I started taking some ‘baby-steps’ in putting bounderies with my familie and ‘friends’. Nothing offensive. Just holding back my normal initiative towards them and see what would happen.
It was not really a choice either in a way. I just had nothing to give anymore and in fact needed all the help I could get. My then ‘partner’ ended our relationship of two years out of the blue (for me at least) with a devestating e-mail on the day my mother would be burried.
It all was quite shocking losing my ‘girlfriend’ and mother on the same day during a funeral.
Being so terribly in distress that year of 2004 my family and long time ‘friends’ offered me no- or very little help and comfort. In fact two of my siblings (my two brothers) turned on me very visiously and agressive. Never ever suspected this could be happening but it happened. They acted like wolves smelling blood and go in for the kill.
They must have hated me all my live but never showed this before. I just didn’t understand what happened at the time. I had so much to deal with just to survive and building up my live again.
I see I’m getting into details and venting.. Long story shorter I managed to find a new nice job and buy an appartment in another town. I was basically on my feet again and with the new-found basic knowledge about Narcissism. I started to discuss the issues with this topic and set some bounderies. All as gentle as possible.
This was not well recieved by my family and many of my ‘friends’. One by one I lost them by their choice or my own finally.
The strange thing that happened though (and here I come at your topic) is that I never really connected all the dots with my Narcissitic/Sociopathic mother.
This only happened in 2013 while being treated for PTSS after some incidents in my work (as psychiatric nurse).
During this treatment, instead of the memories of violence I went through during those incidents at my work, memories of violence and terrible abuse surfaced that my mother had put me through since I was a little child till the day she died.
I had been in almost compleet denial all those years about what my mother had truly done to me and others.
After a while I became very, very angry. Acted out at last spraying red paint over her gravestone. Just to make a statement to her and myself.
I know this comes to a shock to many people but believe me this has been an act I still feel comfortable with without guild-feelings. It has been a ritual relieve in a way.
Since those ‘acting-out’ days in ~2014, I came to learn more about the dynamics of a family with a Narcisstic/Sociopathic parent. My role in it and those of the others including my father (who killed himself when I was 19 mainly due to her as I understand now).
I can see now we all have been victims of this Narcissist/Sociopath. I was the designated scapegoat from the day one I was born to her I suspect. My father and siblings served another purpose in pleasing her bottemless soul-pit and suffered in their own way.
It’s all really sad in fact how one completly wicked and disordered person can havoc so much damage.
But sadly this is what happens often I know now.
The damage is unrepairable in my view. Especially if you have been the scapegoated child from the get-go by your mother (or father).
Like you Mariette I had to let all hope fly when I was about 54 (2014) to reconnect in some way with my passed away mother, siblings and extended family.
They never put in any real effort to save something while I tryed many times.
So I just had to let go finally.
I’m at more peace now away from all the turmoil since years. But the loneliness is very hard at times.
I still often feel like a foster-child wondering in a world who doesn’t understand. Looking at them all. Enjoying their laughs, their fun and whereabouts.
But feeling a spectator looking at a play or a movie.
I kind of admire people with a similar upbringing like you who found a way out as it seems.
Found some stable ground and kind of fullfillment. I guess it also depends on the people you meet.
You have to be lucky to meet the right people at the right time also. More often you meet the wrong people at the wrong time if you have been abused as a child ( or later).
So far with this long post. I thank you for your blog and insights.
And see I’m Dutch also so excuse my ‘Dutch-English’.
Hey GE
Thank you for sharing your life experience. I’m writing this comment because I had a very similiar experience in my childhood. My narcissistic mother abused me physically, mentally, emotionally and possibly even sexually. I have very
few memories before the age of 5.
Its so eerie how similiar my mothers abuse was. For ex. she often use to say “I wish I had given birth to a stone instead of you”. Many times I would wake up with her screaming at me.
She used to beat me until I was 11 years old..after that I was too big for her. My sisters were golden children and never had any abuse. I was of course the scapegoat.
You’re right. Even after her death it never ended. My sisters tried to take over.. but I just cut them off. And every new relationship ended up being with a narcissist. So now I live alone. I ‘m also in my 50’s.
Recognising this is one thing but the making the changes is way harder. As a “brother” I wish you all the best. There is always hope my friend.
On my previous comment I like to add something which I believe could be important to readers with same kind of expieriences.
On hindsight I believe the full awareness that became consious during my PTSS-therapy about my mother (which wasn’t the goal of the therapy because this was trauma work-related) has been a break-through.
Although it took another few years to really see this.
I never mentioned what came up about my mother during this PTSS-therapy in 2014.
I didn’t dare and had also not enough trust in the therapist. It was really confusing.
The acting-out destructive anger that emerged during 2013/14 on my becoming aware of the dynamics and what really had happened, became a storm that destroyed (with intend) all relationships that I now knew were a product of this dynamic with my Narcissistic mother.
I finally ended abruptly my frustrating relationship of 7 years with a passive-agressive, often complaining, shallow, controlling woman.
In the proces I send my family, through my eldest sister, a long letter about where I was now and what my thoughts were about it all. Expressing my whish they’ll never contact me again on any matter.
There had been no contact for about 7 years allready but this was not initiated by me. Now I made it my decision and a final one.
I ended some ‘friendships’ too.
Finally I felt I had to take this stand against my mother symbolically. I decided to paint a red cross on her gravestone in watercolor (which would wash off after a while with the rain).
With all this acting-out and expressing myself I started to feel better slowly the next few years.
I started to feel liberated and the anger resided making room for more understanding towards myself and my family of origin.
But also very sure I’ll never let them into my live again in no way.
And that’s completly oke with me now without anger anymore.
I’m in the flow so I like to add some more. To readers who read my previous comments it might seem all a bit overdone about my reactions.
Maybe you reqocnise some of what I’m about to mention.
I like to state some facts that I went through and surfaced in 2013. Facts that I completly denied and ‘forgot’ for ~50 years.
First memory that came up in 2013 was my mother yelling at me at the top of her longs standing high above me in the kitchen when I was ~6 years old.
She yelled; ‘I wished you were never born!! See you! You have the devil in your eyes!!’
I just froze and stared at her right in the eye.
This infuerated her even more I know now. She yelled at my dad who was in the living room; ‘you sucker/loser why don’t you do anything about this kid?!!’.
He stormed into the kitchen and hit me full fist on the face. I went to the floor with a bleeding nose. They both left me but my father came back within seconds to tell me he was very sorry. My mother never did excuse herself to me.
I guess my father had a serious talk with her about this incident for it never happened this openly in his presence anymore. It all went undercover while he (and others) were not around (while him working mostly).
When I was alone with her the abuse became very threatening often. Emotional abuse, psychological abuse. She then often treatened me to send me to an institution. Always with no withnesses around.
At 9 years old she made a fake-call with an institution in my precense (ofcourse I believed it was for real).
She faked the arrangements talking to a dead phone.
She made clear to me they would pic me up with a car the next morning at nine o’clock. And I better keep my mouth shut for maybe she would change her mind. She left me hanging this whole afternoon, evening and sleepless night that followed. I didn’t dare to speak up to anyone.
The next morning I sat behind the front-window waiting for this car to come watching my mother all the time for signs this was all not real.
But she just ignored my growing panic with coldness and short dismisive stares.
At 9 there was no car coming. At 9.10 there still was no car. I totally paniced. Screaming and crying; ‘please forgive me I will never do it (what?) again please don’t send me away’. Then she let me bleed for another ten minutes. ‘They are just a bit late we’ll see’.
When I was on the floor vomitting in total dispair she told me with a cold voice; ‘there’s no car coming, let this be a lesson for you’ and walked away.
These are just two examples of what a Narcissist/Sociopath can do to their children.
I have many more but leave you with this two.
All the others are examples of the same disorder.
So before you judge about the anger that surfaces about the abuse children of Narcissists/Sociopaths have gone through, take notice.
There are terrible stories of abuse behind the surface that you don’t know about, believe or even can imagine.
Awareness is crucial. These monsters live among us.
They are the evil the Bible talks about and all other religions.
To add an advice/consideration to victims, therapists and coaches of this kind of child-abuse I would like to mention this:
Be very carefull. A box of Pandora might open once you start digging into abuse-trauma’s.
In my case a work-related abuse-trauma triggered vivid memories of childhood-abuse that were burried for ~50 years. Those memories were much more impacting and severe that those work-related traumatic incidents. I completely shut down during the trauma-therapy that was aimed at treating my work-related incidents. It overwhelmed me completly and my therapist made no connection to possible previous trauma’s. I didn’t dare to mention them at the time.
I was kind of lucky to have a strong personality used to search for answers and reflecting on myself with a long standing psychiatric background as a specialised psychiatric nurse. By then I also had the luck to be famliar with NPD/Sociopath literature. I was able to place those memories about my mother and the Narcissistic/Sociopathic dynamic of my family relatively fast.
But even for me it took ~4 years to come to terms with it more or less and find some piece again about this all.
I imagine many victims of this kind of child-abuse don’t have the ‘luxury’ that I had had when I got confronted.
Once you start your journey of confronting your (childhood)trauma-related issues, be very carefull.
It’s not a pleasant ride and certainly not a short one. You might be opening a box of Pandora that you didn’t know of and will throw your live upside down.
Two weekly ~30 minutes on-line sessions with a coach or therapist wonn’t be enough, although they can help a lot in validating your new found reality/awareness and how to deal with it.
Any validation and support is very important in this time of utter confusion and sadness.
But be warry. When you are about to fall, your on-line coach/therapist wonn’t be there to catch you. They remain strangers to you with no real bond to you.
This is just how it is. They often like to pretend otherwise but in fact you have no personal relationship with them at all. Many of them are in this abuse-business just to serve there own ego and to make money.
So don’t expect too much. When really getting into problems during such on-line sessions get in touch with your doctor or the mental health service in your district.
Narcissitic/Sociopathic child-abuse is very complicated in it’s effects. You’l need an awfull lot of support fighting this. On-line guiding can be a very important start (and often is!) with the right coach/therapist.
But please be very carefull. If the box of Pandora opens you’ll need a lot more help than an on-line/coach/therapist.
Ofcourse the best will remind you of this as soon as they notice and redirect you to other help-sources.
But not all will do this (many in fact wonn’t). Not out of lack of empathy and commitment but just out of lack of own awareness and/or eduction/training on the subject.
And ofcourse a lot of those coaches/therapists found an ever growing market in the Narcissist/Sociopath-business which is blooming in our society.
All just an advice/consideration to victims of child-abuse and their (on-line)coaches/therapists.